At the beginning of Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace—a tedious novel which I have no intention of finishing—a character named Anna Pávlovna is throwing a party. It is a marvellous party, and almost everybody has a wonderful time.

Tolstoy, for all his defects, understands what it takes to be a good host.

I am no Anna Pávlovna, but I have thrown a number of parties. In what follows, I attempt to offer some lessons from our combined experience.

1. Invite people who are better than you, and tell everyone how great they are

If you are the most compelling person at your own event—even at your own dinner party—you’ve done it wrong.

It is a matter of social responsibility to find guests more interesting, more successful, more beautiful, and more brilliant than you are. If you aren’t captivated by the people you’ve invited, what guarantees that your friends will be?

This is slightly less intimidating (and serious) than it sounds. What it really means is that you should bring together others whom you find fascinating, and ideally who have at least a couple of things in common. Doing so might involve extending your social circle, but that’s very straightforward if you’re online enough to be reading this. 

Unfortunately for those of us with an ego, things only get harder from here. It isn’t enough merely to invite people we admire (or envy); it’s also our duty to fête them appropriately—both for their own benefit and that of their companions. 

An example from War and Peace:

“‘The vicomte knew the duc personally,’ whispered Anna Pávlovna to one of the guests. ‘The vicomte is a wonderful raconteur,’ said she to another. ‘How evidently he belongs to the best society,’ said she to a third; and the vicomte was served up to the company in the choicest and most advantageous style, like a well-garnished joint of roast beef on a hot dish.”

Tolstoy’s somewhat visceral analogy is correct. People shine most brightly when they feel confident, and confidence is the result of being treated with love and respect. If you’re bringing together brilliant people, tell them as much! Encourage your guests to see the very best sides of each other, and they will all be at their most sparkling and happy.

Invite people whom you think will light each other up like flames. Provide oxygen.

2. Introduce everyone

This becomes difficult with big events, especially as the hours wear on and you find yourself more and more engrossed in conversation, but wherever there is an opportunity to introduce two people you must take it. Where there is not, create one.

Historically, it was customary to introduce the person of lower social standing to the person of superior status (“Princess, this is my friend the bishop”—never “Bishop, this is my friend the princess”). Happily, these distinctions no longer exist in most environments, but a good rule of thumb is that you should dignify most those you know the least. That means you should introduce your best friends to strangers, not the other way around. Your friends won’t be offended at being presented to someone new, but someone new might feel taken aback at being presented to your friends as if meeting foreign dignitaries.

When it comes to the phrasing itself, an introduction is not simply “James, meet Anna.” In fact, it is often better not to bother with introducing people than to make such a sad effort, because you can be sure that the moment you depart, poor James and Anna will be left haplessly gesturing at “And, uh, how do you know [host’s name]?” or “So what do you do?” Leaving your guests this way is a sin.

A good introduction looks like this. “James, meet Anna. She’s interested in the history of cryptography and recently wrote a blog on TikTok and the #FreeBritney movement. Anna, meet James. He works in cybersecurity, focusing on encryption, and knows everything about pop culture conspiracy theories.”

This is a made-up example, so it’s easy to invent two things that our imaginary guests have in common. But it’s equally straightforward to find connections between people in real life—whether they come from the same place, speak the same language, work in a similar field, share a hobby, or something more abstruse. You are instantly giving them at least one thing they can share enthusiasm about, as well as a conversation to take up in your absence. If you’re smart and lucky, they’ll become friends.

3. Be (a little) self-deprecating

When you’re hosting events, people pay disproportionate attention to you—especially near the beginning, when they’re least sure of what to do or how to behave. They look to you to set the tone of the party. All your mannerisms will be picked up by your guests, so it’s always better if those reveal confidence, calmness, and a willingness to laugh at yourself.

The latter is particularly important, because it’s very tempting to absorb the anxiety of party newcomers around you and become terribly serious. Given that you’ll probably be dominating conversation for a while, whilst others get their bearings and gauge the group dynamics, seriousness is the opposite of what’s required. It’s ok to get carried away talking about things you like, and adopt a persona to entertain people: just remember to laugh at yourself freely, and let others do the same. This will relax everyone, and make people feel safer to open up themselves.

4. Diffuse rudeness gracefully

Another illuminating example from Tolstoy’s work: 

“‘You think so?’ rejoined Anna Pávlovna in order to say something and get away to attend to her duties as hostess. But Pierre now committed a reverse act of impoliteness. First he had left a lady before she had finished speaking to him, and now he continued to speak to another who wished to get away. With his head bent, and his big feet spread apart, he began explaining his reasons for thinking the abbé’s plan chimerical.

“‘We will talk of it later,’ said Anna Pávlovna with a smile.

“And having got rid of this young man who did not know how to behave, she resumed her duties as hostess and continued to listen and watch, ready to help at any point where the conversation might happen to flag.”

Few of us have the attention to manners required of society guests in fin-de-siècle St. Petersburg, but all of us can tell when someone is becoming boorish. And when alcohol is involved, even the best of us can get carried away with explaining our views on housing policy, or bemoaning the latest events in party politics. Yet this is seldom as interesting to our guests, particularly those we don’t know, as it is to us.

A good host resists the temptation to hold forth about their own pet subjects, and steers their guests away from doing the same. Failing to do so tends to result in a small group of passionate radicals dominating discussion, with a larger group of disaffected others feeling faintly put-upon or embarrassed.

It is particularly bad form to insist that others, especially those not involved in the conversation, reveal their views on contentious topics. My grandfather had a good method for dealing with hostile debates around the supper-table, which was to slam down his hands and demand to know whether anyone had read any good books lately. In these cases I recommend being similarly decisive, if not necessarily as abrupt.

5. Always open up discussions

Just as there’s nothing worse than someone talking your ear off about their political hobby horse, there are few things more disenchanting than being surrounded by a group of people who share something you lack.

A particularly common culprit is university experience. When you don’t know people well and discover you have a collective experience—perhaps even a shared vocabulary, list of acquaintances, and series of anecdotes—it’s all too easy to get carried away in reminiscing. But those without the same history will inevitably feel isolated by the conversation, and that means you’re doing badly at socializing.

If you’re hosting the event (or even if you’re not), it’s always graceful to widen the discussion as naturally as possible. If need be, gently change the subject to invite everyone into the conversation on an even footing.

6. Have a list of conversation starters

It’s natural for conversations to end, and when people don’t know each other well it can be a great challenge to reach for a new question to ask. Having a list to hand is exceptionally helpful, especially if they’re questions that people are likely to find amusing or enjoyable.

Here are some that I’ve deployed successfully in the past (and not just on dates). Come up with your own.

• What’s the biggest animal you think you could take in a fight?

• What’s the worst thing you’d do for money?

• What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

• What’s the best lie you’ve ever got away with?

Other, less universally-acceptable question variants exist; imagining them is an exercise left to the reader. The point is to ask something that anybody can answer, that most people have to think about, and that will always stimulate enjoyable discussion.

7. Forgive easily

Tolstoy again:

“[Pierre] knew that all the intellectual lights of Petersburg were gathered there and, like a child in a toyshop, did not know which way to look, afraid of missing any clever conversation that was to be heard. Seeing the self-confident and refined expression on the faces of those present he was always expecting to hear something very profound. At last he came up to Morio. Here the conversation seemed interesting and he stood waiting for an opportunity to express his own views, as young people are fond of doing.”

Not many people are born charismatic, gracious, and charming. Personally I was born difficult, maladroit, and artless in the extreme. Overcoming those tendencies is a constant struggle, but it would not have been possible to start without the forgiveness of graceful people who tolerated my awkwardness.

It’s easy to be warm and convivial with a glittering socialite who knows just what to say; it’s much harder to do the same with uncomfortable introverts who just want to be liked. But this is what distinguishes people who are good at hosting from people who are just good at having fun with their friends—which, let’s face it, is easy. Making nervous people feel welcome and included is much more skilful, and much more important, than relaxing in the company of the already-charming. It’s also an investment that will pay far greater dividends in the future.

(A quick but illustrative aside: it weren’t for the kindness of one friend, to whom I owe an unrepayable debt for including me in her social circle when I knew nobody and had no self-confidence, I’d certainly never have grown into someone who could host events—let alone do so with any success or frequency. I’m sure I was frequently annoying, lame, and weird, but she never let on.)

The more confident we are, the easier it is to gloss over others’ social faux pas and help them recover gracefully. Many of us have been lucky to benefit from the experience and kindness of others; we owe at least that to those around us. Always make it easy for others to save face. You might not remember it in the future, but they will.

8. Don’t over-index on weird vibes

A good party contains a mixture of types of people. Too many introverts and everyone is awkward; too many big characters and nobody feels heard or respected. If you don’t know everyone coming, find a way to screen their vibes beforehand. Where necessary, dilute them with people you know will be welcoming, relaxed, and good at making others feel comfortable.

Don’t invite anyone whom you know consistently makes others uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if you personally like them; hosting parties means creating something that isn’t about you.

Equally, don’t invite people who are made uncomfortable by everything. They won’t have fun, and they’ll prevent others from having fun too.

9. Let nobody want for anything

I have tried to avoid boring practical tips, but I’ve also been to far too many parties at which hosts have declined to notice guests struggling with basic things.

If you’re hosting and the rules are anything other than an explicit BYO, it’s incumbent upon you to ensure your guests have enough to eat and drink.

At dinner parties, fill glasses as soon as they empty or beforehand. You must insist that people have second helpings, especially if you suspect they’re declining out of politeness (though don’t force it, especially if you’ve cooked).

Don’t run out of drinks. Don’t ever ask people to leave, unless it really is a completely stupid time and they’ve stayed long past the point of politeness (in which case you must not feel guilty about it, because the transgression is theirs). But in general, don’t let people feel like they are being difficult. Even when they are.

If you are indulging in any vice, such as smoking, afford the same opportunity to the group. Give people lots of water at the end of the night, and OTC painkillers for the morning if it’s been that sort of affair. (One day I will hand my guests bottles of sports drink as they leave, at which point I will sleep happily forever because I will have hosted well.)

10. Never expect reciprocity

Hosting events is a bit like lending money, in that both are expensive and good at revealing people’s character flaws. Also, most importantly, you shouldn’t expect a return.

There are innumerable reasons for this, but the simplest is that throwing parties just doesn’t occur to that many people—let alone doing so without an excuse, or for a large number of people.

Of those who do consider it, most rule it out because they don’t think they’d be good at it, they don’t think people would come, or they don’t want to put the work in (because it is not a priority for them).

This is something you have to learn to live with. At worst, it might feel unfair that you spend so much time and energy making sure others have fun, and yet are so rarely extended the same courtesy—but this road leads to despair! Instead, think about small ways others can contribute to the events you’re already managing.

Two of the best ways of doing this are by encouraging people to bring resources (food, drink etc), or to contribute to event costs. Providing these options means I’m consistently overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and generosity of others. It is still astonishing to me that people will put their time and love into baking things that accommodate strangers’ dietary requirements, or that people I’ve never met will send money to a random PayPal in exchange for the mere promise of as-yet-unspecified drinks. Yet both happen, and frequently!

This leads us nicely to the final tip. If it is within your gift to throw parties (and why shouldn’t it be?) then, most of all, enjoy it. Enjoy it because it’s marvellous fun, enjoy it because you’ll meet fantastic people, but most of all enjoy it because it will make innumerable others really, really happy.